why should i worry

i know that always can rely on smb. That gives me hope that even if i fell down fulfilled with depression i would be rescued.
the only thing why i don want to fall is the fear of losing myself. because nobody can return me to me but myself.
but
when everything comes to an end i can´t recall my condition of ´how it was before´. cause i just don´t remember.
i forget what i did, who i was, what were my interests, my passions etc.
i wish i had a book with descriptions of all that so that i could read it and start everything once again the way i did in past.
but i don´t have such a book so it´d be better not to fall down.